portfolio
experience
LANDSCAPE DESIGNER
in sole practice
Long Beach, California
& West Palm Beach, Florida: 9|2011 - 4|2023
 I ATE ALL YOUR EUPHORBIASAnd they were all just simply YUMZSH. |
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 WHERE IN HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?We've been waiting here for you to start spotting us. The crew was getting cranky, so we sent them home. Oh ya, and snap it up please, cuz Lil' Mizz Dymondia here says she's gotta go pee... |
 I 'REVISED' everything in your front yard--Like it? No more MOWING! |
 REVISED YOUR BACK YARD TOOThe fountain looks cool enough to take a dip in, huh? Just NO diving. Seriously. And no topless sunbathing either. This is not France. |
NURSERY ASSOCIATE + GARDEN DESIGNER
Garden of Eva Landscape Design Group
Hollywood, California: 9|2000 - 10|2008
 WHY HIRE ME?Because I can spot plants TELEKINETICALLY. But it only works when no one is looking. Um. So. Can you turn around for a sec? |
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IF I WERE A FLOWER, WHAT WOULD I BE?That's easy. I'd be an opium poppy. Cuz then I'd be 'DOPE'. |
 OOOO! YOU DID CYCLE HOUSE?NEAT! But wasn't their REALITY SHOW on, like, a billion years ago? |
 STILL HERE, CHULO?K. Hate to say this but everyone is over at the AMERICAN HYDROTECH green roof presentation. DAMN dog!! Waste of a nice outfit, too! |
RESUME
GREEN ROOF
PRODUCT MANAGER
ICS Group, Inc
Representing Carlisle-Syntec | Latin America
Torrance, California: 10|2008 - 9|2011
 I WORE MY SAFETY HELMET TODAYSo, do we get to slide down it now? Or nah? Asking for a friend. |
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 HEYYYY! BIG PRESENTATION, I SEE...Lookin sharp up there, dog. Always knew the BAGGY LOOK would come back in...So, wow-- I guess that makes you a visionary with fashion, too. |
 MIJA, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID TO HIM:I said, 'Here. Take this aloe vera plant. You're gonna need it, too, because you are SO hella BURNED.' |
 THAT GREEN ROOF MOCKUP LOOKS PRETTY DOPEBut your Comex trainees built one that is flawlessly badass. I'm sorry, Patrick, but you may empty your cubby and return to the U.S. |
about
San Francisco, December 1989
W
ant to re-scheme your landscape in chic minimalist monotones of green on green? We're talkiing NO flowers-- Could you handle it?
No pops. No splashes. No messy rainbows or motley anything. Nothing Disney, nothing Dubai. No migraines of yellow, or orange aneurisms. No purple meltdowns, or manias of blue . No more lurid, no more skank. PINK?--permanently verboten. Nothing gauche, or hectic, or for that matter, stuck up. CREAM?--Banned.
Just a buzzy, puffy morphine of green, so sub-lime. A cool cult of LEAVES AND BLADES, FRONDS AND erdigris th ripples between the sublimely muted GREY-greens--absinthe and celadon, to the CITRINE-greens; sulphur to chartreuse.
Big assignment, dreamer. You realize of course We'll need to call in Patrick...
"OK", you say, and drift right back into your green scheme dream.
Patrick possessed a particular zeal for growing things since he was a wee lad. and Fairfield County, Connecticut where he was raised, provided the ideal setting for c
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ARCHITECTS:
John Lautner
Pierre Koenig
Gretta Magnesson-Grossman
LANDSCAPE DESIGNERS:
Roberto Burle Marx
Louis Benech
Thomas Dolliver Church
AESTHETIC:
Modernism/Mid-century Modern
Craftsman/Prairie
Late-1960s Futurism
OBSESSIONS:
Plants, from cultivation to taxonomy
Commercial aviation
Severe weather phenomena
DEAD HEROES
Carl Sagan
Jim Morrison
Robin Williams
Leonard Nimoy
FASCINATIONS
Geodes + Volcanoes
Astronomy, ETs + UFOs
Medicine + psychology
MACABRE DELIGHTS
Commercial aviation disasters
Jeffrey Dahmer + serial killers
Artist + celebrity suicides
SECRET WEAPONS:
Vocabulary
Perception + insight
Falo Espanhol, mais sonho em Português
FUNNEST GIGS
Stand up@The Belly Room/Sunset Blvd
Ad sales for Odyssey Magazine SF
Rep cast Sick & Twisted Players, 'Carrie',
"Very Brady Fri. the 13th', 'Dressed to Kill'
Off B’Way Touring Cast ‘Making Porn’
LAX, SFO, SEA, HOU, BOS
Audio is excerpted from 'Les Yper Sound' by Stereolab
