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LANDSCAPE DESIGNER

in sole practice

Long Beach, California

& West Palm Beach, Florida​: 9|2011 - 4|2023

I ATE ALL YOUR EUPHORBIAS

I ATE ALL YOUR EUPHORBIAS

And they were all just simply YUMZSH.

WHERE IN HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

WHERE IN HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

We've been waiting here for you to start spotting us. The crew was getting cranky, so we sent them home. Oh ya, and snap it up please, cuz Lil' Mizz Dymondia here says she's gotta go pee...

I 'REVISED' everything in your front yard--Like it? No more MOWING!

REVISED YOUR BACK YARD TOO

REVISED YOUR BACK YARD TOO

The fountain looks cool enough to take a dip in, huh? Just NO diving. Seriously. And no topless sunbathing either. This is not France.

NURSERY ASSOCIATE + GARDEN DESIGNER

Garden of Eva Landscape Design Group

Hollywood, California​: 9|2000 - 10|2008

WHY HIRE ME?

WHY HIRE ME?

Because I can spot plants TELEKINETICALLY. But it only works when no one is looking. Um. So. Can you turn around for a sec?

IF I WERE A FLOWER, WHAT WOULD I BE?

IF I WERE A FLOWER, WHAT WOULD I BE?

That's easy. I'd be an opium poppy. Cuz then I'd be 'DOPE'.

OOOO! YOU DID CYCLE HOUSE?

OOOO! YOU DID CYCLE HOUSE?

NEAT! But wasn't their REALITY SHOW on, like, a billion years ago?

STILL HERE, CHULO?

STILL HERE, CHULO?

K. Hate to say this but everyone is over at the AMERICAN HYDROTECH green roof presentation. DAMN dog!! Waste of a nice outfit, too!


RESUME
GREEN ROOF
PRODUCT MANAGER

ICS Group, Inc

​     Representing Carlisle-Syntec | Latin America

Torrance, California: 10|2008 - 9|2011

I WORE MY SAFETY HELMET TODAY

I WORE MY SAFETY HELMET TODAY

So, do we get to slide down it now? Or nah? Asking for a friend.

HEYYYY! BIG PRESENTATION, I SEE...

HEYYYY! BIG PRESENTATION, I SEE...

Lookin sharp up there, dog. Always knew the BAGGY LOOK would come back in...So, wow-- I guess that makes you a visionary with fashion, too.

MIJA, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID TO HIM:

MIJA, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID TO HIM:

I said, 'Here. Take this aloe vera plant. You're gonna need it, too, because you are SO hella BURNED.'

THAT GREEN ROOF MOCKUP LOOKS PRETTY DOPE

THAT GREEN ROOF MOCKUP LOOKS PRETTY DOPE

But your Comex trainees built one that is flawlessly badass. I'm sorry, Patrick, but you may empty your cubby and return to the U.S.

about
about
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San Francisco, December 1989

W

ant to re-scheme your landscape in chic minimalist monotones of green on green? We're talkiing NO flowers-- Could you handle it?

 

No pops. No splashes. No messy rainbows or motley anything. Nothing Disney, nothing Dubai. No migraines of yellow, or orange aneurisms. No purple meltdowns, or manias of blue . No more lurid,  no more skank. PINK?--permanently verboten. Nothing gauche, or hectic, or for that matter, stuck up. CREAM?--Banned.

 

Just a buzzy, puffy morphine of green, so sub-lime. A cool cult of LEAVES AND BLADES, FRONDS  AND erdigris th ripples between the sublimely muted GREY-greens--absinthe  and celadon,  to the CITRINE-greens; sulphur to chartreuse.

 

Big assignment, dreamer. You realize of course We'll need to call in Patrick...

"OK", you say, and drift right back into  your green scheme dream. 


Patrick possessed a particular zeal for growing things since he was a wee lad. and Fairfield County, Connecticut where he was raised, provided the ideal setting for c

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ARCHITECTS

John Lautner

Pierre Koenig

Gretta Magnesson-Grossman

LANDSCAPE DESIGNERS: 

Roberto Burle Marx 

Louis Benech

Thomas Dolliver Church

 

AESTHETIC:

Modernism/Mid-century Modern

Craftsman/Prairie

Late-1960s Futurism

 

OBSESSIONS:

Plants, from cultivation to taxonomy 

Commercial aviation

Severe weather phenomena

DEAD HEROES

Carl Sagan

Jim Morrison

Robin Williams

Leonard Nimoy

FASCINATIONS

Geodes + Volcanoes

Astronomy, ETs + UFOs

Medicine + psychology

 

MACABRE DELIGHTS

Commercial aviation disasters

Jeffrey Dahmer + serial killers

Artist + celebrity suicides

SECRET WEAPONS:

Vocabulary 

Perception + insight

Falo Espanhol, mais sonho em Português

FUNNEST GIGS 

Stand up@The Belly Room/Sunset Blvd

Ad sales for Odyssey Magazine SF 

Rep cast Sick & Twisted Players, 'Carrie',

"Very Brady Fri. the 13th', 'Dressed to Kill' 

Off B’Way Touring Cast ‘Making Porn’  

LAX, SFO, SEA, HOU, BOS 

 

Audio is excerpted from 'Les Yper Sound' by Stereolab

 

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contact

Phone:

+1-323-972-6820

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